The Fun at Work Café

How to Kill Workplace Boredom Without a Gun

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Witty Answers to Stupid Questions and Other Ridiculous Comments That  Shouldn't Be Made in the First Place

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Want to be a smart ass when you write your goodbye letterer for work or when giving reasons to quit your job?

Doesn't everyone want to be a smart ass at one time or another when faced with questions and ridiculous comments that shouldn't be made in the first place?

Following are witty answers to some of those annoying questions and comments that most of us face all too often: 

Comment:  You are very rude.
Answer:    Yes, but I am rude only to people who have truly earned it.

Comment:  You didn't go to Jack Miller's funeral.
Answer:    No I didn't, but I approved of it.

Question:  What are you thinking?
Answer:    Thoughts.

Comment:  Easy for you to say. You are a man. A woman's work is never done.
Answer:    Why don't you start working earlier?

Question:  How many husbands have you had?
Answer:    Mine or apart from my own?

Question:  Do you smoke after sex?
Answer:    I don't know. I never looked.

Question:  What's with the stupid sweater you are wearing?
Answer:    Don't get smart. It doesn't suit you character.

Question:  How are you?
Answer:    Terribly good and I don't want anyone ruining it.

Comment:   I don't care.
Answer:    Obviously. It takes a brain to care.

Question:  Why did you get married if you didn't get along in the first place?
Answer:    I didn't want to fight with a total stranger.

Question:  Do you intend to get married again??
Answer:    Yes, but this time I intend to find a woman who I don't like and give her all my money. This way divorce will be much easier to take.

Question:  Will you marry again?
Answer:    No, from now on I only lease.

Comment:  You sound like you are prejudiced.
Answer:    On the contrary, I hate everyone equally.

Question:  Am I boring you?
Answer:    Excuse me, did you say something?

Comment:  You talk too much!
Answer:    It's like eating peanuts; once I start, it's hard to stop.

Question:  How did you sleep last night?
Answer:    I made a few mistakes.

Question:  How did you sleep last night?
Answer:    Sideways part of the night and on my back the rest of the time.

Question:  How did you sleep last night?
Answer:    By closing my eyes and seeing what happens naturally after that.

Question:  How did you sleep last night?
Answer:    The same way as the night before.

Question:  How did you sleep last night?
Answer:    By being totally oblivious to what was happening around me.

Question:  Why don't you go on a diet?
Answer:    I am already on a horseradish diet. I eat everything but horseradish.

Question:  Why don't you quit smoking?
Answer:    Same reason why you don't quit bugging me.

Question:  What do you think about democracy in America?
Answer:    I think that it would be a very good idea.

Question:  You only have four inches.
Answer:    One figure can add up to a lot.

Question:  What does success mean to you?
Answer:    Not having to define success.

Question:  Have you ever had plastic surgery?
Answer:    Only, when my husband cut up my credit cards.

Question:  What do you do for regular exercise?
Answer:    I go to a sports bar every night.

Question:  Have you written any books?
Answer:    Only an unauthorized autobiography.

Comment:  I have something important to tell you.
Answer:    Go ahead, speak your mind, you have nothing to lose.

Comment:  It's the old story, which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Answer:    The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.

Comment:  It's the same old question: Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Answer:    Neither. It was the rooster.

Question:  Am I boring you?
Answer:    I know we have met but who are you?

Question:  Do you think ......
Answer:    Who cares?

Comment:  I hear the boss is ill.
Answer:    Yes, let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Question:  How was your party last night?
Answer:    It was great. Women I didn't even know were asking me what time I was going  to make breakfast.

Question:  What did you think of the performance?
Answer:    Just one fault — it was lousy.

Question:  You're totally unreasonable.
Answer:    To quote George Bernard Shaw, nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Question:   Are you leaving?
Answer:     No, I am actually arriving backwards!

Comment:  I don't' have the self-confidence I would like.
Answer:    Cheer up. Even the most useless person can serve as a bad example.

Question:  Are you married?
Answer:    Occasionally.

Question:  How old are you?
Answer:    Old enough to know better than to answer that question.

Question:  How old are you?
Answer:    Disgustingly young compared to you.

Question:  Why does she laugh at everything we say?
Answer:    She thinks fresh air is good for her teeth.

Question:  How was your date with Margo last night?
Answer:    It wasn't magical, it wasn't mystical, and it wasn't worth ten bucks.

Comment:  You have just drank 5 drinks in the last hour.
Answer:    You would drink like me if you got what I got.
Question:  What's that?
Answer:    I got no money.

Question:  What do you think of my new hat?
Answer:    Never buy a hat with more character than you.

Comment:  See you later.
Answer:    Thanks for the warning.

Comment:  See you later.
Answer:    I'm afraid that's true.

Comment:  So what's wrong with the boss?
Answer:    He has delusions of adequacy.

Comment:  How is your new boss?
Answer:    He's a man of many talents — all of them minor.

Comment:  You are a real jerk. If I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Answer:    If I were your wife, madam, I would gladly drink it.

Comment:  I dread the thought of turning 50.
Answer:    Why, what happened to you then?

Question:  What do you think of my new sports jacket?
Answer:    Very colorful. Where did you get it? Off a dead clown?

Question:  What do you think of my new sports jacket?
Answer:    Nice. What did you do with the other half of the blanket?

Comment:  I hear that Joe is going to Hawaii.
Answer:    It's not his going that bugs me, but his coming back will.

Comment:  Have a nice day.
Answer:    I was having one until I got here.

Comment:  Some of your friends think that you are ignorant and apathetic.
Answer:    I can't understand those big words and I don't care.

Question:  What did you think of Gertrude Stein's autobiography?
Answer:    It was a rather poor choice of subject.

Question:  What is the most important ingredient for a balanced diet?
Answer:    Food.

Comment:  No doubt you are a vegetarian because you love animals.
Answer:    On the contrary; it's because I hate plants.

One of the most satisfying times at work is either quitting time, reading Ernie Zelinski's latest book, or when you quit your job.

  • Goodbye Letters for Work Book Image #2

After reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free you can quit your job anytime you want and write a goodbye letter to announce why you are leaving. Your farewell letter can be either serious or humorous.

You can add some humor such as stating that after reading the international bestseller The Joy of Not Working you have decided to take early retirement or a long deserved sabbatical from your career.

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COPYRIGHT © 2015 by Ernie J. Zelinski

retirees retirement book

Author of The World's Best Retirement Book

All Rights Reserved


 

THE WORLD'S BEST RETIREMENT BOOK by Ernie Zelinski

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OVER 310,000 COPIES SOLD

PUBLISHED IN   9 LANGUAGES

Purchase How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free with these direct links:

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free on Amazon.com

and 

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free on B&N.com  

 

A BOOK FOR THE RETIRED, UNEMPLOYED, & OVERWORKED

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OVER 295,000 COPIES SOLD

PUBLISHED IN 17 LANGUAGES

Purchase The Joy of Not Working with these direct links:

The Joy of Not Working on Amazon.com 

The Joy of Not Working on B&N.com 

THE CAREER BOOK FOR PEOPLE TOO SMART TOO WORK IN CORPORATIONS

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Purchase Career Success Without a Real Job directly through these links:

Career Success Without a Real Job on Amazon.com

and 

Career Success Without a Real Job on B&N.com

 

Home
Cool Reasons to Quit Your Job
Computer Fun at Work
Excuses for the Workplace
Excuses to Skip Work
Fun Things to Do at Work Today
Fun Things for the Soon-to-Be Retired
Top-10 Reasons Why You Should Not Have a Job
Fun at Work Resources
Goodbye Letters for Work
Graffiti about Work
Having a Bad Work Day?
Health and Well-Being in the Workplace
Never Do These Things
Speechmaking Tips for Making Fun Speeches
Top-10 Eclectic Work Principles
Time Management Tips to Outwit Your Boss
Ways to Annoy Co-workers
Ways to Piss Off Your Boss
Why Hard Work Can Kill You
10 Clues to the Meaning of Life and God
Why Workers Look for Fun Things to Do
Workplace and Office Etiquette
Witty Answers to Stupid Questions
Workplace / Office Problems
Workplace / Office Humor
Bosses Day Poems
Zen at Work
Contact

THE CAREER BOOK FOR PEOPLE TOO SMART TOO WORK IN CORPORATIONS

Career Book Image

Purchase Career Success Without a Real Job online through these links:

Career Success Without a Real Job on Amazon.com

and 

Career Success Without a Real Job on B&N.com

  

  

THE WORLD'S BEST RETIREMENT BOOK by Ernie Zelinski

Fun at Work Book Image #2

OVER 250,000 COPIES SOLD

PUBLISHED IN   9 LANGUAGES

Purchase How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free  online with these direct links:

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free on Amazon.com

and 

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free on B&N.com

 

 

A BOOK FOR THE RETIRED, UNEMPLOYED, & OVERWORKED

Fun at Work Book Image #1

OVER 275,000 COPIES SOLD

PUBLISHED IN 17 LANGUAGES

Purchase The Joy of Not Working on Amazon.com with this direct link:

The Joy of Not Working on Amazon.com

 

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